Celebrate Recovery - One year later...
My name is Jennifer, and I'm a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with codependency and relationship addictions
As I prepared my thoughts for this week, one word kept coming to mind - HOPE. What did I hope for a year ago? And now, as we celebrate this anniversary, how have those expectations been met?
A year ago, I began to share myself in the context of this ministry - a ministry that invited my hurts, habits & hang-ups. I shared them, in church, for the first time in over two decades of church - some of my hiccups, heartaches & horrors, as I then called them. As I committed myself throughout this year to confession & community - to stepping out & staying out of denial - to being accountable - my hopes were set on healthiness, holiness & heroes.
Some of that has come to pass. I can look back on a completed step study - and along with it, a couple of amazing accountability partners. I can look around and see wonderful people - people who's recoveries I can relate to and respect and try to emulate. I have found in this place the courage to be real and authentic, without fear of judgment or avoidance. I don't feel like my acceptance here depends either on my perfection or on my keeping secrets about my imperfections.
That said, I still have some imperfections. This last year has not been without struggles. At work, at home, at church - even here at CR - I have struggled to know my limits. Evidently, I'm not fixed yet. And I'll admit that a part of me had hoped to be. And yet, even today - whether in a given situation or within the confines of a particular relationship - I still have to work to know just how I should fit. I struggle to know just what expectations I should have - and just what expectations I should let someone else have on me. There are circumstances that can really make this struggle trying on me, and there have been some discouragements this year through which I've felt as if I've made very little progress indeed.
This kind of thing isn't new. Most of my hurts, habits and hang-ups throughout the years have been my own wrong reactions to just this kind of thing. It's the result of putting my hope in the wrong place. Sometimes, I've put my hope in myself - in my own strength or knowledge or ability. Other times - a LOT of other times - I've put my hope in another person - that they might in some way distract me from the struggles I seem to have when it comes to genuinely turning over my life and my will - and to honestly asking God to remove my character defects. The struggle - and my avoidance of the struggle - go back as long as I can remember.
But this year, something different happened. This year marks the first year in which I let the struggle coexist while still pursuing the healing that I believe is possible. This year - largely because of the structure of this program, but even more because of the people in this program - I feel as if I lost very little time wallowing in defeat or guilt. Oh, there were days... There were days I spent staring at the phone before I picked it up to confess something I'd really rather not have confessed to one of my accountability partners. There were moments I spent sitting in a driveway before a step study - sorely tempted to run away. But I didn't. Because I knew that the ladies on the other side of that phone or on the other side of that front door - wanted me to be real, not perfect.
As amazing as that was - to have people care about me like that - the single biggest difference I have noticed from a year ago is one that's only just becoming clear to me now. It has to do with where my hope is at. For the first time in my life - and I've been a Christian since I was twelve - but for the first time, I have this rock solid assurance. I know that I know that I know. Hebrews 12:1 says, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." I've known that verse for nearly twenty years, but this year, I get it in a new way. I have often said of my life or of my faith "before" that it felt like a house of cards. Now I see - that's probably exactly what it was. Because it was all dependent on me - and on my effort - and on my focus and determination. But it always seemed that my focus and determination quickly evaporated when a distraction came along.
As I pursue better ways, the context of this program continually reminds me that my wholeness matters more to God than it does to me. I am regularly reminded of it - consistently encouraged by it; and I see it again and again in the faces of people who know me and love me and support me. And should those people let me down, my God hasn't changed. And all the times I let myself down, my God doesn't change. This program will forever be the place in which I allowed myself to be swept away by my unchanging God. He has been the answer to my hopes from a year ago - and He will be my hope in years to come.
I'd like to close by reading Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God
The Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary
and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not be faint.
Thank you for letting me share.
As I prepared my thoughts for this week, one word kept coming to mind - HOPE. What did I hope for a year ago? And now, as we celebrate this anniversary, how have those expectations been met?
A year ago, I began to share myself in the context of this ministry - a ministry that invited my hurts, habits & hang-ups. I shared them, in church, for the first time in over two decades of church - some of my hiccups, heartaches & horrors, as I then called them. As I committed myself throughout this year to confession & community - to stepping out & staying out of denial - to being accountable - my hopes were set on healthiness, holiness & heroes.
Some of that has come to pass. I can look back on a completed step study - and along with it, a couple of amazing accountability partners. I can look around and see wonderful people - people who's recoveries I can relate to and respect and try to emulate. I have found in this place the courage to be real and authentic, without fear of judgment or avoidance. I don't feel like my acceptance here depends either on my perfection or on my keeping secrets about my imperfections.
That said, I still have some imperfections. This last year has not been without struggles. At work, at home, at church - even here at CR - I have struggled to know my limits. Evidently, I'm not fixed yet. And I'll admit that a part of me had hoped to be. And yet, even today - whether in a given situation or within the confines of a particular relationship - I still have to work to know just how I should fit. I struggle to know just what expectations I should have - and just what expectations I should let someone else have on me. There are circumstances that can really make this struggle trying on me, and there have been some discouragements this year through which I've felt as if I've made very little progress indeed.
This kind of thing isn't new. Most of my hurts, habits and hang-ups throughout the years have been my own wrong reactions to just this kind of thing. It's the result of putting my hope in the wrong place. Sometimes, I've put my hope in myself - in my own strength or knowledge or ability. Other times - a LOT of other times - I've put my hope in another person - that they might in some way distract me from the struggles I seem to have when it comes to genuinely turning over my life and my will - and to honestly asking God to remove my character defects. The struggle - and my avoidance of the struggle - go back as long as I can remember.
But this year, something different happened. This year marks the first year in which I let the struggle coexist while still pursuing the healing that I believe is possible. This year - largely because of the structure of this program, but even more because of the people in this program - I feel as if I lost very little time wallowing in defeat or guilt. Oh, there were days... There were days I spent staring at the phone before I picked it up to confess something I'd really rather not have confessed to one of my accountability partners. There were moments I spent sitting in a driveway before a step study - sorely tempted to run away. But I didn't. Because I knew that the ladies on the other side of that phone or on the other side of that front door - wanted me to be real, not perfect.
As amazing as that was - to have people care about me like that - the single biggest difference I have noticed from a year ago is one that's only just becoming clear to me now. It has to do with where my hope is at. For the first time in my life - and I've been a Christian since I was twelve - but for the first time, I have this rock solid assurance. I know that I know that I know. Hebrews 12:1 says, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." I've known that verse for nearly twenty years, but this year, I get it in a new way. I have often said of my life or of my faith "before" that it felt like a house of cards. Now I see - that's probably exactly what it was. Because it was all dependent on me - and on my effort - and on my focus and determination. But it always seemed that my focus and determination quickly evaporated when a distraction came along.
As I pursue better ways, the context of this program continually reminds me that my wholeness matters more to God than it does to me. I am regularly reminded of it - consistently encouraged by it; and I see it again and again in the faces of people who know me and love me and support me. And should those people let me down, my God hasn't changed. And all the times I let myself down, my God doesn't change. This program will forever be the place in which I allowed myself to be swept away by my unchanging God. He has been the answer to my hopes from a year ago - and He will be my hope in years to come.
I'd like to close by reading Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God
The Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary
and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not be faint.
Thank you for letting me share.
posted by JennW7773 | 8:18 PM
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