Mired in Metaphor

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again



Like an egg on the wall … A force as sure as gravity compels the egg downward.
Such is the danger present to my heart.
I spent my life battling this threat, but something inside the egg knows it is destined to fly.

Humpty Dumpty wasn't wrong to climb the wall - he just should have waited for wings.

Icarus had his wings, but without caution, they brought him only to his end.





I will never forget how quickly I can fall, how easily I can break, or how scary it is and how much it can hurt to climb back to a high place.

"He makes my feet like the feet of the deer; He makes me to stand on the heights" (Psalms 18:33)
…to walk upon mine high places...

For over three years now, I have balanced – spun – danced, even – in this place which I forever feared.

Some miracle has occurred suspending something as sure as gravity – fear of emptiness, fear of loneliness.
Why God has chosen to suspend me – even as fractures from previous falls show through – I don’t know.
I am only grateful.

There is some justice, maybe, in a heart that beats half a world away. Truth be told, this heart would feel the pull if he were right beside me.

For now, in utter irony, there lies an ocean between us.

It seems the same ocean which one day crushes me face first into the sand, the next day embraces me.
It seems the same thing which - in good hands - would offer wholeness to the broken might - in malevolent hands - seek to enslave and destroy.
How do I know if it’s going to kill me, or if it will be the greatest experience I’ve ever known?

In this, perhaps, faith is born.

This foolish heart! It’s taken so long to set on this point without falling or breaking or otherwise brushing against some bruise… some wound old or new.

But I'm learning to fly... aren't I? Maybe learning to fly is a little like learning to ski... The direct path is not always the correct path - faster is not always better. Sometimes you have to have some turns to slow you down. Only by going slowly can I retain any control - only by caution and awareness can I avoid careening off the path, and my very life depends on it.

In either case, am I really ready for this?

I have long thought that my next fall would be my last - either because I would finally get it right - or because it might quite literally kill me.

Can I find the confidence to fall?

How can I discern between the rainbow and the reef? What can I possibly say to this mountain?

The mountain is not like the ocean - the mountain is constant. The mountain will not change for me, nor would I have it change. The mountain is perfect in its majesty, the mountain exists in a world which needs it to remain just as it is. I would not seek to change anything about the mountain. I would seek to know the mountain, to enjoy the mountain, even as it exhausts and defeats me, even as I descend in frustration and with no small amount of pain.

Can this be where Love is born?

A word was born like a wick without a candle, a fire lit in the torn place of my heart. All at once, and worse than any mountain, any wave, any rocket, were my questions which terrified me to tears.

It was on the mountain where I found a careful and cautious place, which nonetheless passionately embraced the moment. The mountain found Jenn reconciled – even as the ocean did.

Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be taken up and cast into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. (Mark 11:23)

There are lessons which can only be learned in the shadows. Only an empty place can be filled. Only by testing my limits can I find them. My strength overwhelms me when I feel most vulnerable. From a fallen place, I rise - my independence serves me. I find my capacity; I recall the embrace of the ocean. The torn place is healed, even under stress, and I am not afraid to fall. I am the bravest person I know.

Hope soars…

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13)